Seven Pirates H Review: Or, Beauty and the Breast
Fanservice frequently gets a bad rap. Sometimes it feels just a little too over the top, or it’s used as a gimmick of some sort. It can also be used to add lightheartedness to surprisingly moving storylines and deep characters. So which of the above applies to Seven Pirates H, the fourth entry in the Genkai Tokki series and the joint venture from the minds of Idea Factory, Compile Heart, and Felistella? Well, it’s complicated.
Breast Side Story
Seven Pirates H follows the spunky pirate Parute, who meets up with the extremely pervy boy monster, Otton. Otton is ostensibly a seal, but even a cursory glance will convince you that he’s most decidedly… phallus-shaped. And like much of Seven Pirates H, it’s not subtle. Armed with a magic compass, Parute and Otton take to the Monsupi Sea to find fabled treasures. Along the way, you’ll encounter monster girls that will join you on your journey, each one based off of classic RPG monsters such as kobolds, demons, krakens, and more. Of course, nothing is quite as it seems, and Parute and her motley crew of monster girls will soon uncover a nefarious plot.
Honestly, the story is a little thin. While there’s quite a bit of dialogue, it’s usually more innuendo and double entendre than actual content. That’s not to say it’s badly written – the dialogue is frequently funny, but it feels like they spent more time crafting dirty jokes than giving you a compelling narrative to keep playing. That being said, the actual storyline is appropriately silly and fits in quite well with the over-the-top fanservice this game is known for.
Put Your Breast Foot Forward
The story of Seven Pirates H is unlikely to really get its hooks into you, but the gameplay makes up for that – to an extent. You sail your ship around the Monsupi Sea, which acts as the game’s overworld. By completing side quests and story objectives, you’ll obtain new maps that will open up new areas of the sea, which gives you access to new dungeons. I use the term “dungeon” a bit loosely here, because they’re exceedingly small. Some of them only have one fairly tiny area to explore, and that’s it. Really, only two of the dungeons are a semi-decent size, but even the largest one you can get through in just a minute or two if you avoid enemies.
Speaking of enemies, they are visible on the map, which is something I appreciate in my old age, as you can grind or avoid at your leisure. Some of the enemies are cute – looking at you, otters! – and some of them are… lewd, to put it lightly. For example, there is an enemy in the very first area of the game that is literally a scrotum, and later on, a golem with a condom for a head and with a body covered in condoms not-so-subtly called a “condgolem.” In keeping with the theme of Seven Pirates H, most of the enemies have an appearance quite sexual in nature.
The Breast Laid Plans
Combat in Seven Pirates H is definitely one of the highlights. Once you engage an enemy, you’ll begin a turn-based battle. Each of your monster girls and each enemy has one of three pheromones. These colored pheromones essentially act as a weapon’s triangle, with red strong against green/weak against blue, blue strong against red/weak against green, and green strong against blue/weak against red. Every time a monster girl attacks or takes damage, they gain MP. Once they reach 100 MP, they’ll enter Excited mode, which increases their stats and gives them access to certain moves. Should you reach 200 MP (the max), a monster girl will enter Aroused mode, which greatly increases her attack and defense, while also giving her access to her strongest skill. However, entering Aroused mode can be a gamble, because after five turns, if you haven’t defeated the enemy yet, that monster girl will be unable to act for several turns.
The Excited/Aroused system adds a nice layer of strategy, as you’ll have to use skills to burn off excess MP if you don’t want to risk going into Aroused mode, and ration them carefully if you’re trying to stay Excited. Regular attacks don’t require any MP, but all skills do. Each monster girl can learn skills as they level up, and also have access to a shared set of skills learned from the “Booby Kin.” Yes, the Booby Kin. They’re tiny boob-lovers who can be discovered out on the Monsupi Sea, and unlock certain skills once enough of them have been found. These range from support skills to ones that allow you to temporarily change your pheromone color, which can be extremely useful.
Nothing but the Breast
Leveling up in Seven Pirates H is, arguably, the entire point of the game. After defeating enemies, you earn “H Extract” from the monsters. Earn enough of the extract, and you’ll get a training extract. Using this training extract allows you to “booby train” your monster girls. Once you enter booby training, you can change the parameters of each monster girl’s breasts, and this is how you level them up. You can change attributes such as size (with larger bust size giving increased attack power, and smaller bust size increasing agility), softness (greater softness providing a larger defense boost, and harder for an HP bonus), cleavage (wider for an agility bonus, narrower for a defense bonus), and more.
I definitely recommend that you take screenshots of the instructions, because it took quite a while for me to remember not only what each attribute affected, but also the controls. If you’re playing in handheld mode, you can use the touch screen to apply changes in booby training, such as flicking, pinching, and pressing. You can also use the joysticks to accomplish the same thing. And, if you’re feeling particularly silly, you can remove the limits on the attributes in the extras menu. With or without the limiter on, though, depending on the attributes you focus on, you’ll sometimes end up with some… interesting-looking breasts, to say the least. Sadly, this mechanic grows old after several hours because you will constantly, constantly have to enter booby training to level up.
Breast in Show
Aesthetically, Seven Pirates H looks pretty good. While perhaps a tiny bit dated by today’s standards, the character models are well done, and the enemies, despite a lack of variety, are well-rendered. Unfortunately, the individual dungeons aren’t particularly inspired or memorable, and because of their extremely small size, not a single one stands out to me. The main theme out on the Monsupi Sea is unbelievably catchy and delightful, and the battle theme is good – at least until you’ve heard it a couple hundred times. Unfortunately, the soundtrack of each dungeon is entirely forgettable, and there are a lot of palette swaps among enemies, making everything feel the same after a while.
Thanks for the Mammaries
Seven Pirates H is a flawed but enjoyable game. An extremely unique system of leveling up, a light-hearted plot, and a cast of adorable characters somehow manages to mix charming and lewd in a surprisingly effective way. Unfortunately, the game is hampered by uninspired dungeons, combat that eventually grows repetitive (especially considering enemies tend to be far, far weaker than boss fights, which can be a slog), and an over-reliance on the booby training gimmick. Perhaps the game’s most damning flaw is my least favorite design choice ever: forcing players to revisit every single dungeon to fight a new boss as part of the story. Still, even with the obvious flaws, if you’re looking for a silly RPG with over-the-top fanservice, Seven Pirates H is very, very likely to scratch that itch.
Final Verdict: 3/5
Available on: Nintendo Switch (reviewed): eastasiasoft; Developer: Idea Factory, Compile Heart, Felistella; Players: 1; Released: May 12th, 2022; ESRB: M for Mature; MSRP: $39.99
Editor’s note: The publisher provided a review copy to Hey Poor Player.