A Cut Below the Rest
Video games have produced a variety of classic hairstyles, from Cloud Strife’s classic spiky do to Bayonetta’s gloriously overlong magical raven locks. Though hair has always been one of the more difficult body parts to realistically render in the 3D age with its countless strands and physics-taxing movement, many developers have managed to produce haircuts that would make the most demanding stylist applaud. However, there are plenty of hairstyles that silly, nonsensical or just plain ugly that are worthy of scorn. Here the HPP team tallies up ten follicular abortions that would make any barber break down and cry.
Seymour Guado (Final Fantasy X)
What am I even looking at? Wings? Horns? Parts of a bat? I get that physics typically don’t follow normal laws in the Final Fantasy multiverse, but unless his hair is full of hidden wires, how is it staying up in that shape? How? And then there’s his bangs. Or is it just one big bang? Is there a singular of bangs? I never had to question that before Seymour strolled onto the scene with his absurdly stupid hair. I think what makes it even worse is that they don’t even fully commit to the terrible hairstyle. Take away his weird bat-wing-horn-doodles and his big, limp-lightning-bolt-bang(s) and he’s just got slicked-back marketing bro hair. Pick one or the other, or get off my screen.
– Daymon Trapold
Hooooo boy there’s a lot going on here. How can one hairdo have so many angles? Poor Musashi’s hair is almost like a 90s graffiti tag was made into a wig and plunked down on his hair. And much like with Seymour Guado, what is holding this impossible hair in place? Gallons and gallons of L.A. Looks? He’s also got the opposite problem of Seymour’s singular/plural bangs debate – he’s got too many bangs. What do you call more than one set of bangs? Especially when they’re stacked on top of one another like those meat shredding claws? Super-bangs? Whatever they are, I hate them. But at least they really committed to the awful hair with Musashi.
– Daymon Trapold
Paul Phoenix (Tekken)
Paul Phoenix is a Tekken icon. He’s been in literally every game since the series’ inception, so I know I’m playing a dangerous game here by saying anything bad about the man. Also, have you seen his biceps? This stud would literally punch me into dust for talking smack about him. And yet I will because look at that flat top.
Of course, I understand what’s actually going on here. See, there’s this terrible moment that occurs when you’re growing your hair out in which you can’t do anything with it. It will always be in your face. If you happen to have any amount of scruff, like Mr. Phoenix here, it’ll stick to your face like velcro. So, I get it. I wouldn’t want to face off against the strongest men, women, and supernatural entities in the universe and lose because my beautiful hair blinded me and I was punched to death.
If you’re a normal, the solution is to suffer through it, or maybe wear a headband. If you’re Paul Phoenix, the solution is training and willpower. You see, he doesn’t use hair gel. His flat top stays up like that because it’s an extension of his well-trained body. It’s just another muscle. Indeed, Phoenix is so built that he might actually have muscles growing out of his head. How else could you possibly explain his hair’s brick-like texture?
It might look dumb, but I have to admire Phoenix’s dedication. Not just anyone can turn their muscular hair into a deadly weapon.
– Scott MacDonald
Yugi Moto, Sartorious Kumar and Dipper O’rion (Yugioh LotD: Link Evolution)
It wouldn’t be a list about ridiculous and ugly haircuts without talking about Yu-Gi-Oh! Thankfully, it’s not only a card game, but also a video game, so it qualified for this list. It was honestly a challenge to narrow it down to only 3 characters from the long running series, but I did my best. I had to include Yugi Moto. Not only is he the main character in the classic series, but he also happens to look like he has a mutant starfish poised atop his skull. Yugi may be mild mannered most of the time, but his haircut tells you he’s ready to rumble. Sartorious Kumar’s hair is at odds with his persona. The villainous leader of the Society of Light uses his charisma to twist people to his cause, all in the aim of annihilating and purifying the world. As for Dipper O’rion, his horrible hair reflects his arrogant and cruel personality. Sure, all these characters might work better with a good shave, but until that happens, they have fantastically stupid haircuts. And for that, we praise them.
– Josh Speer
Lorenz Hellman Gloucester (Fire Emblem: Three Houses)
Ugh, Lorenz. Okay, so maybe Garreg Mach’s most uptight noble isn’t that bad once you get to know him — he’s just trying to set an example for the commoners he’ll eventually lead — but boy, does that angular bowlcut not help matters. Wait, is that thing even a bowlcut? And is that a buzzcut we spot lurking in the back ? Why’s that thing even there? Watch it doesn’t bite you. House Gloucester’s barber must have some funny ideas — maybe they’re trying to undermine the nobility from within by disgracing Lorenz into a laughing stock. (Hey, with a setting as conspiracy-laden as Fódlan, that wouldn’t exactly shock us!) Thankfully, it looks like there was some turnover in the five-year timeskip, and now the noble Lorenz is a sexy beast deserving our undivided attention. Go, self-awareness!
– Anthony Pelone
Listen, I get it. She’s supposed to be Vincent’s dream girl. She’s supposed to take on whatever image gets him going. And while it’s undeniable she’s meant to be very pretty, I really, really, really need to talk about that hair. Who has two spiral pigtails like that? I’m trying to deconstruct what her hair would look like down and her hair has GOT to be thin and damaged. I’m getting flashbacks to the mid-2000s when hair was so broken from the extensions, bleaching, and straightening that I honestly think she’s desperately trying to recover from all that breakage OR it’s a wig. She has so few hair strands she can probably count them — no wonder she noticed one of Katherine’s individual hairs. I think I was always so preoccupied by Laura Bailey’s stellar voice acting and the fact that, you know, seeing Catherine typically signalled the action part of the game that I just let it go, but no longer — Catherine, I’m sorry. It’s not me, it’s you: more specifically, it’s your hair. I choose Katherine and her normal, luscious locks.
– Heather Johnson Yu
Larxene (Kingdom Hearts Franchise)
Kingdom Hearts should have stopped with the first game. There, I said it. Oh sure, the gameplay got a little more fun in the second game, but the story started playing out like a Disney B movie and introduced a staggering amount of plot holes and confusing characters that didn’t need to exist. Take Larxene, for example — she’s running around with Marluxia doing something or other, but what she really needs to do is fix her hair. Those weird-ass fly-aways give me There’s Something About Mary vibes in just how slight they are and yet make such a big, dumb impact. Those two strands of hair that defy gravity give her an insect-like appearance, and coupled with the fact that the game leads me to believe she’s bad (until some wrench gets thrown in the mix and it turns out she’s been good this whole time, then it gets undone, idk — depends on how Nomura feels that day), it makes me want to squish her like a bug. Seriously, why those two strands of hair? Why not just stamp them down? No one give her any screentime until she’s sorted herself out. Please.
– Heather Johnson Yu
Lusamine (Pokemon Sun/Moon)
What… what is this. Another blonde chick with weird-ass hair that defies gravity. The bangs are the least weird part, as the BLANKET of blonde hair with perfectly chopped intervals hanging behind her like a canopy is just bizarre. What happens to her if a strong breeze blows in her direction, does she just take off like a kite? She had to hairspray her locks to DEATH to get them to stay like that, and even then, like… how did they get that shape? Did she hang her hair over a chair and then use 42,069 cans to get it to stick? And how does each perfectly layered piece stick on it’s proper level without mixing with the longer or shorter pieces? Seriously, as a long hair owner, I can guarantee you it doesn’t work like this.
– Heather Johnson Yu
Magnifi Gramarye (Phoenix Wright)
Alright, so the other hairstyles have just been weird and ugly, but this one is straight up gross. Is his hair growing into his nostrils, or is his nose hair being combed up and combined into his head hair? What is going on here? How does he breathe? How does he comb his hair? What if he sneezes? Seriously who designed this? Were they serious or just trying to push the envelope as far as it could go? Does it itch? What if he gets a runny nose? I have SO MANY QUESTIONS that will never be answered, and I’m just left confused and disgusted.
– Heather Johnson Yu
Rachel Foley (Resident Evil Revelations)
If there was an award for the most impractical hairstyle in the history of gaming then it would certainly go to Resident Evil Revelations’ Rachel Foley. However, she’d probably walk right into the podium trying to accept it with her copious blonde locks completely blocking her vision. Clearly young Rachel did not take it to heart when her Mum told her “let people see your face, love”. Not only does her bountiful hair obscure her sight from undead attacks, it also gives more for zombies to grab onto – and that’s if they’re not rending and biting at her almost completely exposed chest! You can’t fault her commitment though, because even in her mutated form her golden mane is seemingly grafted onto her face.
If you must have long hair in a zombie apocalypse, at the very least, get it out of your eyes and put it in a sensible ponytail like Claire Redfield or an austere bun like Captain Janeway. Oh, and fix the clearly broken zipper on the front of your catsuit while you’re at it!
– Jonathan Trussler