What a Load of Old Wank
When I asked our beloved Editor to assign me something for a video review, I was sincerely hoping he’d send me something prestigious, something profound; hoping I’d be able to provide a visual showcase of the sort of game that makes you proud to be an enthusiast of interactive entertainment. Instead, he sent me Wanking Simulator. And this is most certainly a game that does what it says on the tin: and what an unpolished, grimy old tin that is. Anyway, Wanking Simulator casts you as Winston Gay, a gentleman who’s not actually gay but a pansexual psychopath with an invisible penis who charges his magical powers by vigorously masturbating over the downed bodies of his enemies. If that sounds like a recipe for hilarious fun, well… it really isn’t.
Wanking Simulator is so lowbrow it makes Beavis and Butthead discussing boobs look like Socrates and Plato discussing philosophy. In what could generously be called a storyline, Winston Gay is the victim of a vague and ill-defined conspiracy, apparently spanning the government, the priesthood and the police, who evict him from his house. Apparently these “fuckheads” as Winston terms them, have the unabashed temerity to hold a grudge against him for his spates of public onanism. Winston vows revenge and to “wank over anything made of atoms” in the process, which is a promise he makes good on!
He meets comrades along the way, such as his crossdressing uncle and John Dick, a brilliantly biting satire of Keanu Reeves’ iconic assassin: well actually he’s just a mute chain-wanking lunatic with a very dubious resemblance to the iconic actor. John Dick’s forte is assisting Winston in bombing Gay Bay from a hot air balloon with explosive grenades full of ejaculate. No-one is safe from Winston’s reign of terror, and you’re outright encouraged to wreak havoc on everyone around.
Winston’s primary mode of combat is to punch and kick oncoming adversaries, and Winston’s magical masturbatory strength makes this surprisingly effective. It was funny for a bit to kick people about forty or so feet away, smashing them into crowds of other hapless townspeople like a bowling ball into a set of pins, except the bowling ball has been fired from a cannon. However, with no blocking or dodging mechanics available this quickly degrades into just awkwardly backpedalling away, swinging your fists and feet around and hoping in vain to time it right so you’ll do more hitting than getting hit.
The problem with the central gameplay loop of Wanking Simulator is that it rapidly goes from the frenetic to the desperately tedious. There are multiple spells you can cast, though 99% of the time you’ll only need the healing spell as getting hit by one of the enemies who randomly spawn in every direction around you is almost inevitable, and you can’t regenerate beyond half health without it. A tap of the caps lock key will send Winston into a frenzied fapping session, but will only charge your mana if you’re doing it facing someone’s downed body.
Amusingly Winston’s penis appears to have radiant telekinetic powers and wanking will cause anything that’s not nailed down to levitate away from him. It was vaguely funny the first few times I quite literally wanked someone’s body into a wall, but this central mechanic becomes tiresome very quickly as you’re forced to do it during and after every single combat to get the mana to heal back to full health.
Likewise, there’s one mission where the seemingly simple objective of retrieving an aggrieved professor’s lost book has you inexplicably ambushed by terrorists. Since the terrorists are your “hilariously” stereotypical Arabic masked suicide bombers, they run up to you and explode, meaning it’s unwise to use your standard melee attack. This means your only option is to wait for the agonizingly long cooldown to use your fireball attacks.
Well, you could of course buy some projectiles to throw from range, but that raises the dire prospect of having to play some of the tedious minigames or just running around beating up endless numbers of random strangers for cash, and just doing the mission objectives is boring enough as it is.
The production values of Wanking Simulator are appallingly bad. Character models are totally expressionless, virtually every NPC has the same stock arm-swaying idling animation. Levels take place on tiny maps you could magically run through in in twenty seconds yet take forever to load.
One of the few redeeming features of this sorry experience is that there are a couple laughs hidden like diamonds in the rough. The bizarrely stilted voice-acting sometimes combines with the absurd writing to create a perfect alchemy of idiotic entertainment. Winston’s uncle, for example, accented like an American hippie, righteously demanding “he’s my best mate. We should break out that fellow!” did make me chuckle, particularly as Winston was vigorously telekinesis fapping someone into a wall through the entire speech.
Oh, and there’s also challenge modes where Winston has to brutalize the citizenry as rapidly as possible free from the constraints of the paper-thin narrative, but honestly after the campaign, that seemed about as enticing a prospect to me as an unathesitized root canal.
Wank On, Wank Off, Grasshopper
So in a truly shocking, stunning, unprecedented conclusion, I’m going to say Wanking Simulator is pretty rubbish. Even in the event you’re the sort of chap with a perverse desire to jerk your gherkin in front of random strangers, you’d be underwhelmed by reactions of the game’s dead-eyed denizens. After maybe an initial grunt of amusement at the absurdity of it, the novelty soon wears thin, and the frantic friction sounds of hand upon invisible shaft become the repetitive funeral dirge of a pretty dull experience.
I award Wanking Simulator a single lonely joystick out of five which it can waggle furiously elsewhere as I thankfully scrub its crusty remnants out of my Steam library.
Final Verdict: 1/5
Available on: PC (reviewed); Publisher: Ultimate Games S.A.; Developer: Mr. Ciastku; Players: 1; Released: March 19th, 2020;
Editor’s note: This review is based on a review copy of Wanking Simulator provided by the publisher.