Your brain bleach is right over there.
If you didn’t have enough internet today, you may want to heavily consider backing out for the night. Yes, this exists; yes, a promotional email advertising this made us aware as such, and yes, that is a indeed prosthetic mask porn star April O’Neil is wearing to portray everyone’s favorite blue blur. Courtesy of Woodrocket — the same dirty-minded folks that converted the likes of Apex Legends and Fortnite into “Ass Sex Legends” and “Fortnut“, respectively — Sonic the Vadgehog arrives hot on the heels of the official Sonic the Hedgehog movie, complete with a self-advertised “Safe For Work” trailer as seen below.
Jury’s out on that description.
Why exactly is SEGA’s beloved cartoon hedgehog framed as lesbian sexy times? Who knows, but the trailer certainly shows commitment to the gaming theme, what with one-liners in “I want you to go Knuckles deep in me” and “I haven’t been wet since the Mario Kart accident.” To the dedicated viewer of gaming porn parodies, it’s likely nothing out of the ordinary; to the bemused/horrified onlooker, Sonic the Vadgehog is either a) a stark reminder of “if it exists, there is porn of it,” or b) the catalyst behind a sexual awakening never thought possible. (Hey, we ain’t judging — just pray it doesn’t take “gotta go fast” to heart.)
We’ll leave it up to you to, ahem, “discover” where one may locate this Sonic porn parody (hint: it’s in the trailer), but in the meantime, ask yourself this: might a family trip to the Sonic movie serve as a more productive use of a post-Valentine’s weekend, or might your loneliness pave the way into lascivious curiosity? Let us know in the comments below!