Everything At E3 Is Bad

The hottest of E3 hot takes.

Sure: liking things is cool. Caring about shit is fun. But you know what 30 years of pop culture has taught me is even cooler than liking stuff? NOT liking stuff. That’s where I come in. Sure! I may not have “gone to E3,” but that’s only because I’m not a corporate sellout like Nathan and Jay. Yeah! Yeah! I said it. Sell. Out. You see this? I’m recording this video in my bedroom with a laptop camera. You know why? Because I’m an alpha. I’m the new face of journalism. Take that, Washington Post. I haven’t eaten anything but ramen for a month. I don’t even heat it up! That’s independent journalism! Now here’s why literally everything shown at E3 was bad, actually.

WARNING: While this video is the silliest thing I’ve ever done at Hey Poor Player, it is also by far the sweariest.

I Coleman's shitpost E3 "retrospectve"

Still think Metroid Prime 4 is gonna be any good? Fools. Excited for Beyond Good and Evil 2? Morons. Still having inane arguments about who “won” E3? None of us win when we buy into the lies of corporations and there’s no ethical consumption under capitalism. If you’re capable on looking upon the biggest gaming event of the year and feeling anything other than a perpetual jaded cynicism, you’re not a true gamer. Yeah, I said it. You like videogames? Name three of his albums. Can’t do it, huh? Let me help you out: “co-op survival shooter,” “old indie game we’re somehow claiming is exclusive,” and “game with no release date or details or announcement that you’re all going to jizz your fucking pants over.” Still reading text? Print is dead, baby! I’m only writing this to pad out the word count so the little Yoast SEO light will turn green. Which it just did. Go watch the video.

I. Coleman
I Coleman believes that videogames are the most important, most fascinating, and most potentially world-changing entertainment medium today. When not saying dorky, embarrassing crap like that, I is a game designer, science fiction author, and former reviews editor for the now-defunct with years of experience writing for and about games.

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