I am not good at videogames.
On this episode of I Coleman Is Doomed, we get eaten by pink butt guys over and over and over again.
They are rage. Brutal. Without mercy. But I. I will be worse.
For years I have faced the demon menace on just about every field of battle. Mars. Earth. Jupiter. Mars again. Twice. I’ve faced every beast from the lowliest Imp to the mightiest Baron, carved my way through untold thousands of Lost Souls, faced the horrors of Argent D’Nur, and yes, I’ve even played Chex Quest. But never before have I faced such a dangerous, deadly challenge – a challenge that will test not only my skill as a gunslinger but also my wits, nay – my very soul. This is a question not only of whether or not I can play through all 191 levels of every Doom game and their associated expansions using only the pistol and my fists, but a question of whether my psyche can withstand the horrors of attempting such a Sisyphean task.
I suppose the only way to learn the truth is to watch the series.
My cause is just. My will is strong. And my gun…is very, very small.
The rules are simple. I must play through Doom, Doom II, Doom 3, DOOM 2016, and their associated expansions* on the highest non-Nightmare difficulty using the following ruleset:
1. My only weapons are the pistol and my fists.
2. I can use the rocket launcher (or DOOM 2016 Gauss Cannon) to get around, but only if it doesn’t do damage to anyone.
3. Using barrels and any other environmental hazards, so long as they’re triggered with the pistol or fists, is okay.
*Thy Flesh Consumed for Doom 1, TNT: Evilution and The Plutonia Experiment for Doom II, Resurrection of Evil and the BFG Edition Lost Missions for Doom 3.