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Our Favorite Muscleheads of Gaming

 

The bigger they are the harder they hit. That’s the mantra the gaming musclehead lives by. Here we list a few of our favorite hulks of digital entertainment. So get in your daily dose of bull shark testosterone and crack open an ensure (with Revigor!), it’s time to talk tough!

 

Max Thunder- Streets of Rage 2

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 This professional wrestler may be good friends with fellow Streets of Rage brawler Axel Stone, but turned loose against the syndicate this mountain of a man transforms into an unstoppable freight train of punishment. Max enjoys long walks on the beach, Putting punks in a vice-like headlock and pummeling their brains in with his fists that are large as canned hams, and delivering urban death with a ten kiloton pile driver.  This sinewy slugger can clear a block of baddies quicker than you can say Roid rage.

 

Abobo- Double Dragon, Abobo’s Big Adventure

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 This lumpy fellow might look like the unfortunate child of a tryst between a Swedish meatball and bullfrog, but don’t laugh, this lump of fury can bench press a buick. Abobo has been a meaty thorn in the side of the brothers Lee ever since the game was released in arcades, and while he has taken on many different designs over the years, he’s always remained a force to be reckoned with whenever he steps into the fight. But what else would you expect from a man who has washboard abs growing from his eyebrows?

 

Joachim ValentineShadow Hearts, Shadow Hearts: Covenant

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Joachim has the fine distinction of being the only member of our motely crew of meatheads who happens to be a high-flying wrestling vampire. That’s right, take that you measly mortal luchadors. While this spandex sporting vamp my have trouble shopping for a unitard suitable for a flying rat, he certainly doesn’t have any problems walloping his foes into the cosmos with an array of interesting implements of destruction. Joachim is a bit of a kleptomaniac, and gleefully takes any monolithic bludgeon he can procure from his surroundings for his own. From mailboxes to giant frozen tuna, their all fair game in this MacGyver of muscle’s eyes.

 

Wolfgang Krauser- Fatal Fury

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Don’t knock the flowing purple locks, this German nobleman is a powerhouse of royal proportions. Krauser is the only man fellow Fatal Fury chief villain Geese Howard fears, and with good reason. This titanic warrior towers over his opponents and decimates them with a multitude of lethal throws, fearsome projectiles, and kicks that could send a Bogard brother clean across Southtown.

 

Samson and Adon- Cho Aniki

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 Samson and Adon may not be spandex sporting rasslin’ batfolk, but these majestic champions of truth, justice, and and all that is protein are a dynamic duo of deltoids and destruction. The eerily phallic holes in Samson and Adon’s glossy domes may look harmless, but don’t be fooled; they’re fully-charged energy cannons that can scorch any number of evil flying mechinical gymnasts, penis-packing planetoids, and human pyramids of destruction.

Rick- Splatterhouse

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Rick’s had a hard life, since losing his girlfriend Dr. West’s demonic horde in the original Splatterhouse, this terror mask-posessed loverboy has since had to travel to a chibi terror town, have his family destroyed by another Satanic menace, and worse yet, even star in a shitty resurrection of the franchise where he faced a pummeling like no other by a pack of bloodthirsty reviewers! No wonder Rick looks like he’s sustaining himself through an intravenous drip of muscle milk and pure hatred.

What did you, our readers, think of our list? Share your thoughts below, as well as your own favorite muscleheads of gaming.

Frank has been the caffeine-fueled evil overlord of HeyPoorPlayer since 2008. He speaks loudly and carries a big stick to keep the staff of the HPP madhouse in check. A collector of all things that blip and beep, he has an extensive collection of retro consoles and arcade machines crammed into his house. Currently playing: Dodonpachi Dai-Ou-Jou (Arcade), Shovel Knight: Treasure Trove (Switch), Neo Turf Masters (Neo Geo)

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